Background

In ancient Israel, girls were expected to be virgins when they got married, (and according to Deut 22:21 could even be put to death if they were found not to be). Men were allowed to marry multiple women. The evidence suggests that men had more control over whom they married than did women. Though unions were generally based more on economic or social considerations than romantic ones, some texts, including the Song of Songs, show us that ideas of passion and sexual love were also factors in ancient Israel.

As a rule, the fathers arranged the matches. The girl was consulted, but this was after the conclusion of all negotiations and was merely a formality. A father was more concerned about the marriage of his sons than of his daughters, as no expense was involved in marrying off a daughter. The father received a dowry for his daughter whereas he had to give a dowry to the prospective father-in-law of his son when marrying him off. The price paid by the father of the groom to the father of the bride was called "mohar." (“Mattan” was the Hebrew word for the gifts given by the groom to the bride in addition to the mohar.)

Receipt of the mohar would seal the betrothal between the bride- and husband-to-be, creating a contract, ("ketubah"). The mohar was originally the purchase price of the bride, and it is therefore understandable why it was paid by the father of the groom to the father of the bride, since the groom's family would gain one more working member. Hence, marriage was not an agreement between two individuals, but between two families.

Marriage consisted of two ceremonies that were marked by celebrations at two separate times. First came the betrothal [erusin]; and later, the wedding [nissuin]. Females were usually betrothed at adolescence, (aged 12-14), while men were usually older, (~18 years).  At the betrothal the woman was legally married, although she still remained in her father’s house. She could not belong to another man unless she was divorced from her betrothed. (Importantly, during the betrothal and before the wedding, the couple were considered husband and wife.) After a period of months to a year or more of betrothal, the wedding festivities, often involving days of feasting, would occur. The groom would go in an evening unannounced to his bride's home and snatch his bride away. Bride and groom would then retreat to the bridal chamber prepared by the groom and the couple would consummate the marriage and share their bridal week together. They would then come out of the bridal chamber to celebrate the marriage feast with friends and family.

Biblical texts make clear that marriages between cousins were strongly preferred. Although some passages either limit or prohibit marriages between Israelites and non-Israelites, other biblical texts, such as the book of Ruth, are tolerant of intermarriage. Lev 18 prohibits incest but does not include uncle-niece marriages.  Deut 25:5-10 encourages a custom called levirate marriage, where a widow marries her husband’s brother if her husband has died without children.

Joseph and Mary

We are told that Mary was betrothed to Joseph. This means that their families were contractually united but that the two did not yet live together, (the contract had not been consummated). During this time, Joseph would work to prepare a home for them and make everything ready for them to raise a family. The Bible provides no information with regard to their locations during this period, and it may be that Joseph lived at some distance from Nazareth, (even in Bethlehem of Judea). In practice, once a groom had prepared sufficiently for his wedding, (usually as determined by his father), he would go to the home of the bride's father and "snatch away" his bride for the wedding at his father's house.

Were a bride to have sexual relations during the period of betrothal, (with either her "husband" or another), she would be considered an adulteress, and the husband could end the contract by giving her a bill of divorcement. (If desired, the husband or his family could demand that she be stoned.) The importance of establishing the bride's virginity was underlined by the practices observed at the time of the wedding. Before the festivities began, the bride and groom would co-habit for 7 days, after which the groom would present the wedding crowd with a bloody cloth collected at the time of the couple's consummation. 

The Bible tells us that Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem while betrothed and at a time when she was "with child." We do not know when in her pregnancy this occurred, and they may have been there for some time before the baby was born. What we do know is that their union was not consummated until after the birth of Jesus, and at that time the actual wedding would take place.